Le sigh. I need to rant. There are times when I feel so suffocated and all I want to do is just leave and never look back. I want to pick up my entire life, move someplace far away, where I don’t know anyone and just live my life without any obligations to friends and family. No one knows me and I don’t know them and that’s just how I want it. Some may call that running away, and perhaps it is, but I would be free. Free of the constant demands made upon me, free to just live my life without having to answer to anyone or worry about hurting anyone’s feelings.
I’ve been told that I can be cold-hearted and that I don’t let people see me when I’m vulnerable. Being vulnerable to me is huge sign of weakness. I don’t like to ask for help and I don’t like people to know when I’m upset or sad. And crying in front of others, forget it, I hate it. I don’t allow people to get that close to me. It takes a lot of trust for me to let that guard down, to let someone see my weak side, my needy side. And it just feels so awful when you let that person in and they can’t appreciate it or they don’t realize how much it took me to let them in and end up disappointing me. It makes me want to close myself up even more and protect that part of me so that no one sees it. It makes me a harder person. It makes me want to run instead of fight. And I am just so god-damn tired of fighting. I’ve been fighting since the day I was born.
I’m done with the fighting. I don’t have the strength in me to keep fighting. I may be running away right now, but its what I need, its what I want. By shutting you out, I can rebuild again, I can finally let you go. I’m done. Goodbye.
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