Thursday, November 29, 2007
I knew that eventually his body would begin to shut down on him again and I was really hoping he could make it through the Christmas holiday. I even congratulated him on Thanksgiving for still being alive and making this the best Thanksgiving ever. He looked up at me and smiled, “Your welcome.”
By this point he had lost a lot of his chubbiness that made him fondly known as Fat Dog. His little face looked so gaunt, and for the first time in over ten years I could see his ribs protruding out. My little Puppy had morphed into an old man, even his eyes looked old, but they still smiled when I patted and kissed him.
Last night I said my final goodbyes to him. After Thanksgiving he lost his appetite, and for a dog that was known for loving good eats, that wasn’t a good sign. Yesterday he wasn’t able to lift himself off the ground because he was so weak, so my Mom made the call to the vet and then called me.
My Dad and I left work early so that we could have some extra moments with him before we had to say farewell. Luckily my Mom was off work and got to spend the entire day with him. When I came home, Pepper could tell that I was there, but he was so tired and ready to go.
I sat down with his head in my lap and let him know how much I love him and what a great dog he’s been and how lucky I am to have known him. I held him, stroked him and cried into his fur. I can’t believe my baby is leaving me.
We all went to the doctor’s to be with him one last time. He passed so quickly. I just laid my head next to his, breathing in his smell, savoring it for one more moment. My little Fat Dog was gone.
I got him when he was only six weeks old and I know he lived a good long life, but its always so sad and so hard to lose someone you love so much. Pepper was always the brave one, and he was always the first to get into trouble. He had such a big heart and was always happy to see us. Being my Mom’s favorite, he would follow her wherever she went and would bark and cry the loudest when she came home from work. And even though he loved his eats, he was never a beggar and patiently waited for his turn.
I bet right now he’s up there with Brownie, Coco and OC chasing them around with a huge stick in his mouth and a smile on his face. Brownie is yapping in his ear, so excited to have his twin brother back.
I love you so much Pepper, aka Puppy, aka Fat Dog. Thank you for always loving me. You have been such a huge blessing in my life and I will love you forever always. You are in my heart and I will see you in my dreams.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
But she insists that I’m crazy and wild and that she loves it (she was my roommate when my company had our conference in Vegas, so she has seen my party girl side). And I continue to protest that I’m not like that, and that if she saw me in my everyday life, she would realize how dull I am.
The girl that could go out clubbing until 5am and do it all over again the next night is now in retirement. I used to do happy hours every night after work, getting shit-faced and still be able to function the next day at work without a problem. But now after four drinks and one shot, I puke before I have to go to work and am completely hungover the entire day. Such a shame.
But for some reason my coworker thinks I’m still that girl. Even though she knows I spend most weekends at home on my couch, losing myself in mindless tv. What’s really funny is that out of the group of my friends, I consider myself to be the tamest. If she thinks I’m wild, she would be blown away by some of my girlfriends. These young kids these days just don’t know.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Monday, November 19, 2007
1) Do you still talk to the first person you fell hardest for? That would be a no. We tried doing the friend thing, but it wasn't working. He was hoping for more, and by that point, I was no longer falling.
2) Have you ever seen your best friend naked? Yes, I undressed her and put her to bed. Gosh, stop picturing it, you pervs.
3) Are you obsessed with someone? I don't think so. I'm just obsessed with the opposite sex.
4) Name something that you would like to eat right now. I can't wait for the turkey, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole and pumpkin pie.
5) Did you get any compliments today? I was told that I take very detailed notes in my quotes, but that my handwriting is horrendous.
6) Who were the last two people to call you? My Dad and my friend Jeff.
7) If you could pick the temperature of the outdoors for the rest of your life, would you? I would like a balmy 65, perfect weather for flip flops, a cute cami, and a light hoodie.
8) If you could have one super power, what would it be? The power to read minds.
9) What's your favorite smell? Fresh clean towels right out of the dryer.
10) What is your least favorite sound? A baby crying. You're a freaking baby, what problems could you possibly have? Your biggest worry is when's your next udder coming your way. Geez, cry babies.
11) Are you moody? Have you met me?
12) Last person you hung out with? With Rachel. She came over to see the new place and then we had dinner. Good times.
13) Have you ever toliet papered someone's house? Have I ever! Man, for awhile there in high school that was a weekly thing. My friends and I made this one girl's house look like it snowed.
14) Have you ever been to a nude beach? That's so funny. I was just talking to a co-worker about this. I haven't, but would go.
15) Have you ever gone skinny dipping? No, I don't like swimming in lakes, and I feel you can only go skinny dipping in a lake.
16) Listening to music? What are you listening to? Jack Johnson's Flake.
17) Have you ever been betrayed by your best friend? No.
18) Have you ever lied to your parents? Yes. I told a lot of lies to my parents growing up.
19) Have you ever worn your best friend's clothes? Yup. Since I'm currently house-sitting for her, I'm constantly going through her wardrobe, picking outfits for myself. It's great.
20) Have you ever thrown up from working out? No, I must not be pushing myself hard enough.
21) Ever had a bad haircut? Yes, and I've cried because of it.
22) Where are your siblings right now? My brother is most likely at home, getting ready to eat dinner. He lives in Oakland.
23) Name three things you did today. Bought my cousin a gift card, bought the ingredients to make pumpkin pie, and some filing.
24) Last person you text messaged? Best Friend Ever, complaining about the traffic I was sitting in.
25) Future kid's names? For girls - Madison, Isabella, Madeline. For boys - Adian, Owen,
26) What are you doing tomorrow? Turning in my keys at my old apartment, and then off to work where I will waste the day away filing paperwork and figuring out how to use Facebook.
27) Do you remember singing songs as a kid? Yes, Best Friend Ever and I used to make up dance routines to Madonna.
28) Are you allergic to anything? Pollen, dust, and cooties.
29) When is the last time you got flowers? Its been awhile.
30) Where were you two hours ago? At home.
31) Wherre were you four hours ago? At the grocery store buying stuff to make pie.
32) What does your hair look like right now? Its pulled back in a clip.
33) What have you eaten today? Yogurt, lollipop, Chipotle chicken bowl, mini M&Ms, fish sticks and a bowl of cereal.
34) Is your hair naturally curly, straight or nappy? I've got straight poofy hair, with a slight curl when it feels like it.
35) Who was the last friend you were in a car with? Rachel.
36) What are you looking forward to? Thanksgiving and having Wed-Friday off. Yay for five day weekends!
37) Any of your friends getting married? Chelsea, Dhrit, and Bee Bee. I will only be attending one of those weddings.
38) Is today going to be a good day? It better be.
39) Pick out a scar that you have and explain it. I have two bumps on my lower lip. I was riding my bike and turned the wheel sharply on some pebbles, I lost control, and fell face first on the asphalt. The scar is either from two pebbles still stuck inside my lip or the skin just healing funny. All I remember is that my bottom lip turned black while it was scabbing over and everyone made fun of me. Kids can be so cruel.
40) What does your phone look like? She's red and I call her Hot Scarlett.
41) What is on the walls of your bedroom? Currently nothing, since I haven't yet decided where I'm going to hang all my pictures and artwork.
42) What is your current desktop? Mister Bear! So cute!
43) Do you believe in gay marriage? Yes, I actually wrote speeches about it in high school and how people should not be discriminated against because of their sexual orientation.
44) What do you want more than anything right now? New couches for my living room.
45) What time were you born? An hour before leap year.
46) Last person who made you cry? The boy.
47) What is your favorite perfume/cologne? I wear Heaven by Gap. It has a nice clean fresh smell.
48) What hair/eye color do you like in the opposite sex? I love dark hair with bright blue eyes.
49) Do you get scared of the dark? At times when I think of something scary before I fall asleep.
50) Do you like pain killers? Umm, yes! Which reminds me, I need to get some.
51) Who was the last person who made you smile? No freaking clue. I'm sure someone at work cracked a joke that I smiled to.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
The boy and I ended it -- again. But this time there was this feeling of finality, at least on my end. This time, I’m ready to let it go, for good. After three years of riding roller coasters with him, I think I’m finally ready to get off the ride. I don’t enjoy it as much as I used to, and I’m burnt out. I don’t have the energy to keep it up. I’m tired of pushing and working for something that may not be truly there.
We had agreed to take things slow and just let it happen naturally, but I still needed reassurances from him that this wasn’t all just fun and games. I needed to know that he was invested in this. He said he was, but this time I wasn’t.
I was too scared to trust him, so I continued to go out on dates. Except I didn’t really consider them dates, but outings with male friends, which I knew he would consider inappropriate (even if nothing happened). I wasn’t willing to give up that safety net, and I never told him about my “dates.”
Things seemed to be going great with us. I swallowed my instinct to pressure and prod and he was attempting to make more of an effort. I focused on today and stopped thinking too far out in the future. We were floating in a delicate bubble, caught in the currents of the wind and the softest gust could blow it all apart.
The bubble burst last week. A simple sleepover gone badly, with him telling me that’s he’s withdrawing and pushing me away, and perhaps I shouldn’t put up with it. After so many times of us taking one baby step forward and then two gigantic leaps back, I couldn’t go through it again. After leaving his place the next day angry and hurt by his actions, I already knew that we would have a talk and it would be over.
We both agreed that it shouldn’t be this hard to make it work. And I told him that I didn’t want to be with someone who didn’t really want to be with me. He asked if this is what I really wanted, and I said, no its not, but I’m tired of fighting for something that’s not there. He said that he cares for me deeply and that there is something there, but the timing isn’t right. I asked him not to call me for six months to a year, and he said he couldn’t promise me that, but I was adamant. I told him I needed a clean break and calling me three months from now would do neither one of us any good.
And then we hung up, and I cried. I cried for losing him yet again. I cried for the missed opportunity of what might have been. I cried for sticking around for three years hoping that we would get our moment. I cried because I knew that this time, I didn’t really have my heart in it, and kept myself hidden and on guard every time I was with him. I cried because I was scared of him hurting me, so I never let him in. I cried because I couldn't be honest with him. And I cried because I knew I would miss him.
I do think we’re right though. It should be this hard, and we’re both not really ready for this. As much as I want to be ready, I’m not. I’m not ready to be with him, and maybe I never will be. Maybe our history and how we started will always cloud my judgment or maybe we can reach a point in our lives where we can just be.
Is it truly over? I don’t know. Right now it needs to be. I need him out of my life for a while so I can clear my head. I need to be free of him.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Rebecca finds out that her husband Mark has been cheating on her and to make matters worse, Rebecca is seven months pregnant. And instead of being enraged over her husband’s infidelity, Rebecca is willing to forgive him as long as he promises to never see his mistress again. Right then and there, the story lost me.
I’ll put up with a lot of bullshit in a relationship, but cheating is not one of them. I have to draw the line somewhere. I’m already dealing with emotionally unavailable and selfish, but if you cheat and lie to me, forget it, I’m done. Thanks for reading the random rant.
Rebecca tries to deal with the emotional repercussions of her husband’s affair. Mark is a complete dick who doesn’t even seem to be in love with her. He is callous towards her and inconsiderate. I’m not really sure why Rebecca wants to stay married to him.
Her character made me very angry, and I just couldn’t understand why she would put up with him and his behavior. She is constantly questioning where the relationship went south and why wasn’t she more attentive to Mark’s needs. I think she just married an asshole and should be thanking her lucky stars that she now has a way out.
I was a bit disappointed in this book, especially since Ephron is the best selling author of, I Feel Bad About My Neck and wrote the screenplay for Sleepless in Seattle.
Monday, November 12, 2007
My e-mail server is slow and I’m on a 15-30 second delay so I still hadn’t even gotten notified that I had a new e-mail. All of the sudden I am getting instant messages from co-workers on our office communicator, all of them saying, “Congratulations!”
Finally I get the new message pop-up and click my inbox to see that I was one of employees awarded with “Employee of the Quarter.” I honestly was not expecting that at all. It was such a shock and completely gratifying. I worked my ass off in Q3 and I was able to close two regions at 100% and had an overall renewal rate of 97%. On top of that, I was also able to close out a majority of my outstanding General Motors renewals, some going as far back as June 2006.
I am really happy that my hard work has been recognized. I don’t know if other people are this way, while I am extremely pleased to have won this, my second thought was, crap, now the pressure is on to do even better next quarter, especially now that I have the highest generating revenue region. My moment of glory only lasted a half second before I cursed myself for being an over-achiever. I know, I’m insane. I have some major anxiety issues and really should just be happy for this huge accomplishment.
But now I’m gunning for two stellar quarters in a row. I have to keep pushing; it’s who I am. Perhaps if I win again next quarter, this will at least put me in the running for President’s Club, which includes a vacation to someplace tropical.
*Names have been changed to protect people’s identity.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
If you remember, I once had four frogs, but somehow they all died on me. Dropsy had a close encounter with death when I was transferring him to the tank to the fish bowl, but I managed to save him before Weasley got to him.
This time he wasn’t so lucky. I had put Dropsy in his fish bowl and he made it over to the new place just fine. I needed to hide him someplace where Weasley couldn’t get to him, and I chose the shelving unit in the living room. I did notice that Weasley could open the door with his paw, but didn’t think to move Dropsy to another cabinet.
My cousin and I were upstairs in my bedroom unpacking, when I heard the cabinet door open. I yelled at Weasley to get out of there and headed downstairs to check on the boys. When I opened the cabinet, Weasley was in there, but Dropsy was not in his bowl. Oh SHIT.
At first I thought Weasley had eaten him, but knew that he couldn’t have swallowed him whole, and since there were no random body parts around, I knew Dropsy had to be around the place somewhere. So my cousin and I started to look under all the boxes and trash bags. My cousin found him under a trash bag and surprisingly he was still alive.
She put him back in the fish bowl and I prepared the tank for him to go back into. He seemed to be fine, maybe a little scared, but he was swimming around in the bowl. I moved him into the half bath and shut the door so Weasley would leave him alone.
The next morning when I went to check in on him, he was stiff and swollen and laying at the bottom of the bowl not moving. Poor Dropsy did not survive. I’m not sure what did him in. Maybe he was out of water too long and his system couldn’t handle it or maybe Weasley injured him and he was bleeding internally.
I’m still not sure how he even got out of the bowl. I believe Weasley was swatting in the water, and Dropsy was jumping to get away from him, and Weasley used his paw to lift him out of the water.
Poor Dropsy. He didn’t even get to enjoy his new home. He was such a trooper too and survived all the other frogs that died around him. I’ll miss the poor guy and feel very responsible for his death.
Rest in peace Dropsy. You were swell.
Sunday, November 04, 2007
I already have ideas on what colors I want to paint and things I want to renovate/upgrade. I would like to install some recessed lightning for the living room and update the vanity in the bedroom. Besides that everything else looks really nice. The previous owner added a half bathroom on the main level, upgraded the kitchen, and added custom shelves in the bedroom and on the main level. I have stainless steel appliances, new cabinetry, new countertops and new tile floors. It all looks very nice.
I love how big my bedroom is. My bedroom furniture is a bit ginormous, but it all fits in nicely with plenty of room to spare. I am adding more shelves to my walk-in closet, since I lost the hall closet with the half-bath being downstairs. My coats and jackets alone can take up an entire closet! It’s a dirty addiction.
Currently computer area, but one day dining room
I love the fact that this is a two-level unit. It gives the place a town-homey type feel than apartment. It also makes the house seem bigger. And I’ll get a workout going up and down the stairs. Having a powder room on the main level is awesome. I won’t have to worry about guest having to use my bathroom in my bedroom. That half-bath was a huge buying point for me, and from what I understand is the only unit in the community to have that.
I am glad to be out of my current apartment. When Best Friend Ever and I first moved there over three years ago (I can’t believe its been that long), the community was really nice, but over the years it has gotten a bit ghetto. I won’t miss hearing gunshots and then hearing helicopters hovering over my apartment looking for the shooter (although I wasn’t too bothered when it happened, even though BFE knocked on my door frightened). There weren’t gang shootings every night, but the population in the place is shifting towards that. I do have some great memories from living there, but I’m ready to move on and forward.
Overall I am really happy with my condo. I think it was a blessing in disguise that I didn’t get the other place. My new home is bigger and closer in than the last one, and while it may not be brand new the amenities are just as nice. I may not be living next door to BFE, but she’s only a 15-minute drive. While I didn’t fall in love at first sight with this place, after having all my stuff in here, I’m beginning to really enjoy it. I think I will be very happy here and am ready to create new memories.
Custom shelves in bedroom
The story starts out with Kathy H. reminiscing about her days at Hailsham, a private school in England. She talks about her experience growing up at Hailsham and her circle of friends, which include Ruth and Tommy. There is a sense that something is strange about Hailsham, that it’s not a typical school. The students are aware that they are different from others, but Ishiguro never reveals what makes these students unusual.
The students are obsessed with getting their artwork in The Gallery. Every so often a woman they call, Madame, comes and picks the best pieces of art and the children have no clue what she does with it and never question the guardians about it.
The book follows Kathy, Ruth and Tommy after they leave Hailsham to a place called The Cottages before they begin their training as carer’s. There is tension between Kathy and her friends. Ruth and Tommy are now a couple and it adds a weird dynamic between the trio. Eventually the trio splits up to begin their training and they all leave on bad terms.
Here Ishiguro slowly discloses that the Kathy and the others will one day become carers and then donors. Kathy is a clone and was raised to donate her organs, but before one becomes a donor, they train as a carer, who takes care of the donors. Kathy is an excellent carer and has not yet become a donor. She takes on the task for caring for Ruth and Tommy.
Finally everything begins to make sense to the reader and my earlier perception of Hailsham changes. We learn that Hailsham was created to raise the “students” in a humane environment. Before Hailsham, “students” were reared in ugly conditions and treated more like test tube experiments. We also learn the significance of The Gallery. As one of their guardians put it, “We took away your art because we thought it would reveal your souls. Or to put it more finely, we did it to prove you had souls at all.”
This book was really interesting and covered the topic of cloning in a very different way. Never Let Me Go does not read like a science fiction novel, and at first totally leaves you guessing to where this book is going. Ishiguro solely focuses on the relationship between Kathy and her friends displaying their humanity before he reveals what they really are.
The book made me think of the movie, The Island except that the biggest difference is that the students were always innately aware of what their purpose is life was. Their guardians never came straight out and told them, but always dropped hints to what they were raised to do. The students never questioned their destiny or Hailsham, until now. Miss Emily (a guardian) states,
“Look at you both now! You built your lives on what we gave you.
You wouldn’t be who you are today if we had not protected you. You
wouldn’t have become absorbed in your lessons, you wouldn’t have lost yourselves in you art and your writing. Why should you have done, knowing what lay in
store for each of you? You would have told us it was all pointless, and
how could we have argued with you?”
The book makes me wonder if one day we will start to clone ourselves to harvest our organs. With the advances already made with cloning it doesn’t seem like a far-off possibility, but with what consequences.