I am sitting here with a glass of red wine hoping to gain some insight about my current state of affairs. I’m hoping to find answers at the bottom of this glass. It may not be the best place to solve my problem, but it’s a start.
There is this boy whom I have known for three years or so. We have always been floating in and out of each other’s lives with nothing serious tying us together. In the beginning this arrangement suited us perfectly. When we were together we had a ton of fun and when I was apart from him, I still had fun. We have dated other people, I was in a serious relationship, and yet I always find myself running back into his arms.
He was the reason I put myself on lockdown and he is also the reason that I broke it. He gives me the highest highs but also the lowest lows. Just when I think I have finally walked away from him, he reappears and shatters whatever resistance I tried to build up against him. He is my Achilles heel, my biggest weakness, my drug I cannot get enough of. And when the high wears off and reality trickles back in, the withdrawal effects are painful and I have to wonder is it worth it.
We keep repeating this pattern and I’m trying desperately to change my behavior and not make the same mistakes. But he doesn’t make it easy for me. And I allow myself to get swept away and ignore the voice in my head that tells me to run and never look back. I know that something has to change. Either we progress and move forward or I stand firm in my decision to not let him back in. And if it becomes the latter than I cannot waver and must truly let him go. Because no one likes a broken record, and I hate being that girl.
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2 comments:
Maybe this pattern is exactly what it is supposed to be. You've mentioned in other posts, and I'm paraphrasing here, that you're committment-phobic. And didn't you say that when you get close to someone you end up doing things that push those someones away? There is nothing particularly wrong with that. Maybe that's just who you are right now. And him too. Maybe you two actually are progressing forward, because you keep getting together again and you meet some of each other's emotional and physical needs. Maybe that's all it has to be.
This guy will probably be your second husband when you're 50 years old. You'll have a whole marriage with someone else along the way and you and this guy will realize it was always about you and him - the time just wasn't right.
Oh Bernie, don't say that he'll be my second husband! I only want one.
You're right about the timing though. I firmly believe its all about timing. Who knows where this is going, I'm trying to enjoy the process as is and hope to not get too burned over it.
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