Wants

In one of my rambling depressed states I wrote this train of consciousness. Reading it reminds me of what I wanted at that particular moment in time. I think I still want a lot of those things that I wrote. I’m at a crossroads again in my relationship and I need to look deep inside of me and decide what do I really want out of this. What do I want out of him? What do I want for myself? I need to remember that feeling I had when I first wrote this.

I want to get lost again. I want to lose myself in someone and forget about the world around me. I want to feel what its like to be in love, the dizziness, the spinning, the barely breathing. I want to jump into the depths of uncertainty and float around. I don’t want my feet to touch the ground.

I want a love that will stand the test of time. I want to meet someone who will make me believe. I want to stare into someone’s eyes and know that that is where I belong. I want to be in his arms and feel that nothing can harm me as long as he doesn’t let go. I want a storybook romance. I want to live happily ever after.

I want to know what everyone keeps talking about. I want a love that is full of passion and tests the limits of insanity. I want our bodies to be on fire every time we touch. I want to be in a blissfully sweet dream and never wake up. I want someone to hold my hand. I want someone to fight for me. I want to be with someone whom I can build my life with. I want someone who brings out the best in me.

I want balance; I want stability. I want to love him more than life itself. I want to feel whole when I’m with him. I want to make him smile. I want to be protected and cherished. I want to be able to say nothing at all. I want to feel something that words cannot describe.

I want to be with someone whom I can’t live without. I want him to star in my every waking thought. I want to fall in love at first sight. I want my heart to race and feel butterflies in my stomach every time he smiles at me. I want my prince charming to ride up on his horse and rescue me from myself. I want to make beautiful children with him.

I want a partner, someone I can share my deepest secrets with. I want him to see the worst in me and still stand by my side. I want him to love me for all that I am and for all that I can be. I want him to be my every thing. I want trust; I want honesty. I want to be with someone who will make me become less selfish. I want someone who will be strong for me when I cannot be strong for myself.

I want to know that he is all I’ve ever wanted. I want every kiss to feel like the first. I want our hearts to beat as one. I want to throw caution to the wind and ride the sweet storm until the end. I want to feel his heartbeat beneath my ear as I lay on top of him. I want to spend my every waking moment with him.

I want to look at him fifty years from now and know that our love has only grown stronger. I want someone who loves my idiosyncrasies and believes they are cute. I want someone who won’t be afraid to say no to me. I want to be on fire and ice all at the same time. I want to remember what it feels like to have a crush again.

But most of all, I just want to believe that somewhere out there is someone who is perfect for me, and when I finally meet him, I’ll just know. I’ll just know by the way he looks at me, and by the way he makes me feel. And I won’t be scared, and I won’t run from it. I want to be happy and content and not second guess everything.