Reflections

Isn’t it amazing how life can spiral out of control so fast? You can smell it in the air, sense its oncoming approach and yet as hard as you try to hold onto those you hold dear into your heart, you can’t stop the inevitable from happening. I could feel it, I saw the signs and I tried to calm myself, tried to tell myself that I was overreacting, but my gut instinct was telling me that it was over again.

For a month, my ex and I tried to work on our relationship. I was hoping we wouldn’t have the same outcome as last time. I wish we could’ve tried harder and put more effort into fixing what was wrong before. I wish he trusted me enough to open up to me, to let me in and communicate what he wanted out of this. But some things are easier said than done. And I’m not going to put the blame on him and say that it was all his fault. I was involved and I know what I did on my end that caused our relationship to end.

I’m not going to walk away like last time being so angry and bitter at him and at me. I’ve cried too many tears for him in the past and I refuse to do it again. I really do want to walk away from this not being angry, just more self aware of what I want out of a relationship and know what I deserve out of a relationship.

Sometimes it all just boils down to timing, but I don’t think that was necessarily our case. Maybe we aren’t ready to give each other what we need right now, but I’m not sure if that has to do with timing or our personalities and who we fundamentally are. Some people just aren’t meant to be together regardless of the situation. Maybe that’s him and I. I’ll never know all the answers to the questions that are floating around in my head.

I really do hope that eventually him and I can talk on a mature and rational level. I want nothing but the best for him. I hope he finds happiness in the next phase of his life. Throughout everything, he has always been a great friend to me and I know that I’ll miss that friendship more than anything.

And even though it ended this way, I don’t regret getting back together with him. I don’t regret that moment when we both decided to be together again and that feeling I got when I woke up next to him. I don’t regret looking into his eyes and feeling this warmth radiate from them. I don’t regret feeling the way I do when I’m with him. I remember one night, looking over at him while he was sleeping and knowing how uncertain our future was, and all I thought was this is worth it even if its just for this one moment, its all been worth it.