Memory Lane

The other day I was doing some cleaning and came across my old journals. I picked one up and decided to take a stroll into my past. The most recent diary dated back to 1999-2000. I wrote entries on again off again throughout those years. Its interesting to go back and see what was going on in my life during that time period; my thoughts, feelings regarding whatever situation I was currently in.

I was in college and felt like my whole life was in front of me. I had a really rough freshman year and I was trying to pick up the pieces. I was lost, confused and angry. I was trying desperately to figure out who I was and who I wanted to be. Sophomore year was a rebuilding year for me and it was a tough time. I stumbled around a lot trying to regain a foothold so that I could move forward with my life. Slowly and one day at a time, things got easier and I got my focus back and started to really enjoy college.

Its funny how things change and yet some things remain completely the same. I’m no longer that little wide-eyed innocent girl in college. I’ve grown a lot since then, but there are still characteristics about me that haven’t really changed and make up who I am. I still carry some of those old insecurities especially about my future and where I am going with my life. I was always a little unmotivated regarding my education. I never had a clear-cut path or life long goal or ambition of what I wanted to do. And I’m still in that situation right now. I’m not sure exactly what my career is and where its going to lead me. I’m still waiting for that ray of light to smack me on the head and direct me to my dream job.

During that time I was very insecure and lacked self-confidence. I got caught up in a bad relationship and stayed with him much longer than I should have because I didn’t realize that I deserved better. I was a shell of a person and barely recognized the girl staring back at me. At that point we had broken up for the umpteenth time and I had vowed to never let myself get close again to another person or to love anyone ever again. Sometimes I think I held true to that vow and pushed away a lot of really nice guys because of it.

It was a difficult time, but I think that’s what your early 20’s are all about. Its about self-discovery and learning. I don’t want to make it seem like I was melancholy and depressed all the time. I just used to always turn to my journal whenever I was upset to get my thoughts out instead of bottling it up inside of me. I haven’t picked up one since then, but I guess my blog is almost like one. Its an outlet for my mind and helps clear my head. I kinda like the idea of writing in one again and looking at it five years from now to see where I am and where I was.