Life or Something Like That

I have always been a bit of an over-thinker. Whenever something happens to me, I analyze the situation and look at it from various angles, trying to discover a person’s motives or intentions, and from there I try to figure out how I should react and what the next best step for me is. I over-think a scenario to death until I really don’t know what I should do or what is best for me. It gets to a point where I am haunted by it, where I dream about it at night, and one of my first thoughts when I wake up. I’m a bit obsessive-compulsive about it. And I truly hate when something occupies my every waking thought. It makes me feel like I have no control over anything and I am just tumbling into the unknown abyss with no clue as to where I will land and how I’ll make it back home.

It’s a problem I have always had, even as a child. There were times where I would stay up all night, tossing and turning anxious over things I had no control of and worrying what would happen. It can be so tiring and exhausting on a soul and I feel like it ages me and wipes me out completely. And as much as I try not to obsess over something, I can’t help me; it’s so ingrained in who I am and I can’t break the cycle.

I have tried various ways to curb some of this nervous energy, but nothing truly works. I work out to stay fit, and to kick up my endorphins, but even after the workout my mind is still running. I read to escape, but something from the story will pull me out of it and my thoughts return to what is plaguing me. I write hoping to pour my emotions out, but I find myself re-reading each sentence, sucking me back into that moment that I’m longing to flee.

I have never been a person who can just live in the moment and enjoy it. I always wonder and worry where the future will take me, and its silly because I have no idea what could happen to me next year, let alone tomorrow. I try to sit back and take in the moment, but I constantly find myself thinking about what I need to do next.

I have gotten a little better. Just a few years ago, I was a constant time checker. I always had to know what time it was and I would figure out how many hours I had until I had to be somewhere or do something. I couldn’t just relax; I was always aware of the time and the fact that there never was enough time. I always seemed to be racing against the clock. When I quit my last job and took six months off, I vowed never to let the clock control me. And I’ve done fairly well with not stressing over the minutes in the day. Sometimes I catch myself looking at the clock, thinking of what I need to get done in the next 5 minutes and I remind myself to breathe.

I need to remember that life isn’t about the destination, but the journey that takes us there. Because those are where the real moments are. The days you spend with your friends laughing and crying, leaning on each other for support. The family dinners where you know you’re always welcome and it feels like home. Even the days when nothing seems to go right and you just want to call it quits, those are the days that encompass this game that we call life and the future will be there when it gets there. I need to not fast forward ten years into my life of what I think it should be because who knows where this life will take me. Maybe what I want right now isn’t what I need ten years from now. Maybe that isn’t where destiny is going to take me and instead I’ll follow another path.