Clock Strikes Midnight

“For the first time, in a long time, I admit it; I want to be in a relationship. It’s taken me awhile to come to this realization. I’m usually the first girl to praise the values of singledom and that you do not need a man to make you happy. And I’m still a firm believer that the only person that can make you happy is you.

Now that I’ve hit some personal accomplishments such as buying my first home and climbing the corporate ladder at work, I want to have someone special to share these joys with. My relationship clock is ticking and I feel the passing of every second.

When I come home, I notice how very quiet and empty my place feels.”

This was originally what I was writing about my single life and how I want a relationship and then I had a semi-date on Wed and I’m rethinking everything. Ok, maybe not everything. Regarding my semi-date on Wednesday, while it was a fun evening, the timing is off. If perhaps this was three years earlier or maybe three years into the future, things would be different. Now I’m getting sidetracked.

Let me backtrack here. An old friend/co-worker was in town this past week. When we worked together we had a steady flirtation and even after I left the company and he moved, we still kept in touch. So naturally when he was in town, we met up for dinner.

We flirted throughout dinner and by the end of the night ended up making out in the car like teenagers. He was kissing me with so much passion and need and I completely freaked out. It was too much for me. I felt suffocated and trapped. I couldn’t handle the emotions behind the kiss. And there was a lot. I mean, we have been building this flirtation up for years and I was surprised by how much he wanted me. I probably shouldn’t have been.

Of course the minute he becomes available, I want to run screaming in the other direction. It’s so typical of me. But to be fair, logistically it can’t work right now. We don’t live in the same state, and at least for me the timing isn’t right. The crush I had on him before isn’t there for me now. I still admire and respect him and think he’s a great catch, and maybe further down the road I will feel differently. But right now, it doesn’t feel right.

And now I’m torn because I play the game so well and know exactly what to say to keep a guy interested, but the minute I feel him getting to close, I balk and panic. I know its because I’m scared of getting hurt and I need to be open to that possibility. I’ve just been burnt badly the few times I’ve done it, and it makes me more frightened for the next time.

But I meant it about what I wrote earlier before my date. I have been lonely for a while and I do want to share my life with someone. I see my friends that are married and how much love and trust that they have for one another and I know that I want that. I want to come home and share how my day has been with him. I want to hear about his day. I want us to make dinner together and then sit back on the couch and relax together. And then I want to walk up the stairs and fall asleep together.

And I know that before I can do any of this, I need to stop playing the games. I need to stop the flirting and stringing along and open myself up to whatever may come. No more pushing guys away the minute they start to really get to know me. Because I’ll never get what I want if I keep doing this.