Tuesday, February 03, 2009

The Beginning is Always the End

Its been awhile since I posted on here. I haven't completely decided if I want to stop posting all together or keep this open so I can randomly post like I am doing now. Gosh, so much has happened in these last few months that I can't even possibly recap the good and the bad.

I did start dating someone, which is part of the reason why I was so absent. I didn't want to jinx the start of the relationship by writing about it and I was also having way too much fun to even sit down and write what I was going through.

The relationship ended as abruptly as it started. And here's what I wrote to myself right after it happened. I kept debating with myself if I wanted this out there in the public and I feel enough time has passed that I'm ok to share it. And maybe it will help me let go of this residual anger and sadness I still feel. Be forewarned, its long.

"The Beginning is Always the End"

I was so scared that this would happen and it did. Maybe if I weren’t so fearful, things would be different. I was always so afraid that he would come to me one day and say this is no longer working for him, that he no longer wanted to see me. I was so scared of losing him because that’s how much I liked him.

From the moment he first kissed me, something inside of me woke up. It felt like spring and I was thawing. The coldness from the winter was ebbing away, and for the first time in a long time I felt the innocence and hope of love blooming inside of me. It felt so strong and I was shocked that I was feeling it. This was only our second date and our first kiss and I was already sucked in.

And instead of pulling away, I gave in to the feeling. I embraced it. I can’t remember the last time I felt so high just from kissing someone. I knew I wanted to keep this one. I knew I didn’t want to let him go. So I held on tightly and continued to kiss him. And when he looked at me with those brown eyes, I was lost, but so was he. He would lean in and kiss me and tell me that my eyes were pulling him in and that he couldn’t stop kissing me, and I felt exactly the same way.

I tried to tread lightly with him and not move too fast. I told him that I needed time and I didn’t want to rush into things. He gave me that space that I needed while still making me feel beautiful and wanted. And once I thought he liked me and much as I liked him, I was ready to take it to the next step.

From there things seemed to progress naturally, but I still had that fear in the back of my head; haunting me, torturing me. I kept telling myself that I was being silly and had no reason to feel insecure. You could just look at him and tell how much he liked me. When we were together, I could see it and feel it, with every touch, kiss, glance, and smile. But that feeling was still there. Anytime he gave me an odd look, I worried that his next words would be, “I’m done. Goodbye.”

So I would pray that everything would be ok with us, and I would pray for him to be the one. At night, in the darkness, I would pray for us. I would pray for him and I. I would pray for myself to be stronger; to not let my insecurities about past relationships rule me. I would close my eyes and pray to any God out there that would listen.

A month or so into my relationship I was dealt a stunning roadblock. Lying in bed, in his arms, he tells me he doesn’t want anything serious and is just looking to have fun. Of course I was not happy with that statement, especially since I thought we were on the same page. I at times could sense his apprehension, but he had never pushed me away until then. I told him that I wouldn’t mind if things progressed further and that along as he wasn’t out dating other girls behind my back, I was fine.

I should’ve stopped seeing him then, but I was in too deep at that point. I figured it was still early in the relationship and too soon to decide if things should be serious. We were both enjoying ourselves, so let’s just take it one day at a time and see what happens. I knew I was going on vacation at the end of October and that would be the true test for me. If he didn’t miss me than clearly we shouldn’t be together, but if he did miss me all would be well in the world.

So I didn’t push him. I let us just be and didn’t demand extra from him for fear of pushing him away. I thought my tactic was working. I thought I could show him that he could be with me and still have fun and that being in a relationship wouldn’t change or ruin his lifestyle.

Slowly I started going out with him and his friends and each time he would tell me how much fun he was having and how glad he was that I was there. And his friends liked me and would tell him, “You better keep this one. Don’t lose her, she’s awesome.” I thought those were all good signs. I thought, slowly but surely we are making progress. Our time spent together became more intimate and I really felt like we were getting to know each other and become more comfortable with one another. My fear slowly began to fade. I no longer questioned any odd look he gave me, and when he was tired and grumpy that’s exactly how I took it.

The night before I left for San Diego, he tried to push me away. He told me that he’s been in four serious relationships and that he cheated on three of them. I told him, “Please don’t cheat on me. That’s the one thing I ask of you. I’d rather have you end things with me before you cheat on me.” He told me the other night when he went out, some girl tried to kiss him, but he didn’t let her. In the back of my head I kept thinking, “God, don’t tell me I picked another one.”

Things were weird between us when I left, and I was worried. But he made up for it in the middle of the week by calling me and when we spoke things were fine. The conversation flowed and we both missed each other. That Friday night I called him and he told me that he wished I was there with him and that he’d been showing his friends my picture and they all said to keep me. He said his sisters wanted to meet me and I felt aglow with his words.

When I came back, things were great. I finally felt like we were moving forward and that it would just happen naturally. I guess I was wrong. Two weeks after being back he repeats that he doesn’t want something serious and still wants be single. All because I just want to spend time with him and he makes me feel guilty for asking.

I ask him if he’s no longer having fun, and he says that yes he still is. I ask if he wants to date other people or is just waiting for something better to come along and he replies back with no. He tells me that he likes his single lifestyle and wants to be able to do whatever he wants whenever he wants without having to worry about anyone else. I remind him that I don’t ask to spend every day with him and that I don’t believe that’s healthy and that I like the fact that we give each other space and freedom. I just hate that I feel like I’m asking the world of him when I want to see him. I tell him that I just want to be with him.

He says he doesn’t want to hurt me and that he’s not ready to give more. He says he doesn’t know what he wants and that it’s up to me to decide what I want. I tell him I will think about it. I tell him that a part of me doesn’t want to stop seeing him and the other part thinks its better if we end it now while we can. He tells me to take my time to think about it and I tell him I will.

When I think I’m ok with the way things are, I try and tell him that and he responds that he was going to suggest we take a break. And right there my heart sinks inside of me, and I’m trying desperately to not cry on the phone. He says he’s surprised by my change of attitude and asks if I no longer want a relationship and if I’ll be happy. I respond with I said I would think things over and I have, “I still would like things to progress, but I also like spending time with you and you make me happy. I’m willing to let things be and see what happens.” He counters I still think you want more from me and I reply, “I just want to be with you.”

He then tries to bring the conversation to a casual level and I tell him that I can’t do this; I can’t act like things are normal between us and ok, and he responds, “I was afraid of that.” He says he needs to think things over and I just know that I lost him. And everything hurts so much and I can’t believe its over. I knew there were warning signs, besides the fact that he told me he doesn’t want to be serious, and I choose to ignore them.

I thought whatever I felt for him would be strong enough. I really thought we were moving forward. It seemed like it was heading that way. His words and actions made me think so. Everyone keeps telling me that its not me, its him, he’s the one that is being selfish and its not anything I did, but I can’t help feeling that I wasn’t good enough. That if he really likes me as much as it seems he does, than why is he ending it?

I was really beginning to fall in love with him. I think I already was in love. When we were together, it felt so amazing, such a great high. He was everything I wanted him to be when we were together. He was attentive, adoring, loving, he made me feel so special and beautiful. It was when we were apart that I was worried, when I would question. I just didn’t want this glorious feeling to end. And now I fear its over. I don’t see how it can not be.

I don’t think he’s going to change his mind and I don’t think there is anything I can do to change his mind. I know I deserve better/more and that I shouldn’t settle. But I thought he was my better and that I wasn’t settling. I thought he wanted me as much as I wanted him.


Bernie said...

Great to see you're still alive, Kim!! :) Sorry about the outcome of this story, but I have to admit I enjoyed reading it - you are a great storyteller!

James said...

Aw, Kim my heart just broke a little bit for you. Love and miss you!