Tick Tock Tick Tock

My close friend gave birth earlier this month to a beautiful baby girl. Both Mother and Daughter are doing great! I’m so happy for her. I know that she will make a great Mom and her husband will make a great Dad.

Her baby is so precious, but seeing how tired she looks, I just know that I’m not there yet. I’m way too selfish and can barely take care of myself; I cannot imagine being responsible for another life. I know that emotionally I’m not ready to be a mother either. I need to fix some of my personal issues first before I take on the task of rearing children.

I know I’ve said it before that I just don’t like kids and mainly its because I don’t know how to relate to them. Even when I was younger and used to baby-sit (I was actually probably only 5-8 yrs older than my charges), I had a hard time interacting with them. I don’t know how to kid it down and bring it on their level.

Kids make me nervous because I feel like they can see right through me and know that I’m a complete fake. There are no fooling children, they observe so much and can be brutally honest. They also look like the suck the life out of you, are needy and dependent.

But I do want one. I want to experience what its like to be a mother and to love another being more than life itself. I want to experience the joys and triumphs of parenthood along with the trials and tribulations that come with it. My biological clock has not started ticking yet, but I do feel it winding up. It’s slowly preparing itself.

Seeing my friend and her new family, I was envious. Not because I want a baby right not, but I want that special bond that her and her husband share. The way they look at each other, the intimate smiles they give, the sweet way he takes care of her because she’s so tuckered out from being with the baby all day. I want that. I want to find someone I love so much that I want to make a baby with him.

My biological clock isn’t ticking for a baby, but it is ticking for a relationship …

To be Continued ...

Another Day, Another Meme

Yay, another meme. I got this off of Bernie's blog. Meme's are such great time wasters and space-taker-uppers.

You're Feeling: Hot, very very hot. Stupid freaking hot flashes. I'm really starting to believe I have a hormonal imbalance.

To Your Left: "To the left, to the left ... I could have another you in a moment" ... Oh wait, that's another to the left. My living room is to my left.

On Your Mind: Nothing and everything ... knowing when to let go ... knowing when its time to move forward ... knowing when to not overthing every potential situation that I could get myself into.

Last Meal Included: Butternut squash ravoli, pretty tasty actually for a microwave dinner.

You Sometimes Find It Hard To: Not stress and worry about everything ... to sit still and take in the moment.

The Weather: Gorgeous and 70's, which I could be outside all day enjoying it.

Something You Have a Collection of: Coats and jackets.

A Smell That Cheers You Up: Clean towels and honeysuckles.

A Smell That Can Ruin Your Mood: Cigars.

How Long Since You Last Shaved: Last night I actually shaved my legs for the first time in two weeks.

The Current State of Your Hair: Messy and kinky.

The Largest Item on Your Desk/Workspace (not Computer): My glass of water.

Your Skill with Chopsticks: For an Asian, its pathetic, but I am getting better.

Which Section do you Head to First in a Bookstore: New fiction.

Something Your Craving: My 2nd income.

Your General Thoughts on the Presidential Race: Color me not interested. As long as the Dems can overthrow the Repubs, I'll be happy.

How Many Times Have you Been Hospitalized This Year: Zippy.

Favorite Place to go for a Quiet Moment: My car so that I can drive or my balcony.

You've Always Secretly Thought You'd be a Good: Cook, apparently, I'm not.

Something That Freaks You Out a Little: That I'll never reach my fullest potential or that I won't even realize it when I do, I guess that freaks me out a lot. Rising gas prices freak me out a little.

Something You've Eaten Too Much of Lately:Fast food, current favorite is Five Guys.

You Have Never: Made a meal I actually enjoyed.

You Never Want to: Stop Dreaming.

On a Side Note Pt 11 ...

- I really hate people who drive 60 miles or less in the fast lane of the beltway. Get out of my fucking way and move over to the slow lane. Why the hell are you even driving on the beltway?

- I really want to update my spring wardrobe. I work with a bunch of cute young girls, who dress uber-well and I feel frumpy standing next to them. I still have $100 gift card from my b-day that I have yet to use, but am not spending it yet until I lose some weight.
This is my motivation to start working out again.

- I did swim laps last week. About died after it was done. And I think I was sweating while in the pool. When I was finished my face was bright red, I was gasping for air, and for a moment there I thought I was about to pass out. My muscles started tightening up as soon as I got out of the water. So hurtin.

- I love my new couches. I finally have nice furniture and can invite people over without feeling embarrassed. People can actually sit down and not sink to the bottom of the sofa. My favorite things to do now are lay on my couch and read my book or take a nap. Even Weasley loves the couches and snuggles next to me while I’m laying on them. I have spent my tax return before I even got it, but they are so worth it.

- I know that The Hills is completely fake and yet I cannot not watch it every Monday. I have to know what is going on in the lives of LC and Heidi even though I usually know because of Perez Hilton. I don’t believe for one moment that Heidi and Spencer are on a relationship vacation or that Lauren could have gotten the job at People’s Republic if she didn’t have her own tv show. But I’m obsessed with the show and next week Stephen comes back and I kinda heart him.

- Seriously why the hell do the goddamn birds chirp so loud in the morning? Don’t they realize that not everyone is an early riser hunting for the worm? Every morning I wake up to their incessant chirping and I want to throw rocks at them to shut up.

- Heat apparently does rise and my upstairs is warmer now that the weather has gotten nicer. When I go to sleep, I need it to be an icebox. I like to be snuggled under my duvet even during the summer. The last few nights, I’ve had my windows wide open, my ceiling fan on high, and I was still hot. I had to go get my small fan and will now try having two fans blowing air on me to see if it helps me sleep better.

- I have not had any serious action since November. I am coming upon my six-month rule. I refuse to go longer than six months without. If I go longer than six months I become very grumpy. I will have to rectify this situation soon.

- I am trying to come up with my “30 Things to do Before I Turn 30” list and so far have only eight items listed. I’m stumped and can’t think of anything else I want/need to do. Does that mean I’m boring?

- My favorite sound in the world is listening to Weasley purr as he sits in my lap while I pet him. It’s so soothing. God, I need a boyfriend.

- My ten-year high school reunion is coming up and I cannot be bothered to go. Actually I know I will not be going because its BFE’s birthday weekend and I would rather be out with her celebrating her b-day than seeing the 90210 crowd that still thinks their the shit.

- I cannot believe ten years has gone by since I’ve been in high school. It seems like yesterday and a lifetime ago. What an interesting time. My high school experience can best be summarized as bumpy, but I also had some great times during those four years. Knowing what I know now, would I change certain things, and I’d have to say YES! But there really is no point in playing the “What If” game.

- I wish I wasn’t such a Nervous Nelly and didn’t over think every potential situation that I can get myself into. I wish I could learn to not be such a control freak and just breathe and let things play out naturally instead of trying to mastermind and determine the outcome. I think I would have more fun if I allowed myself to do that.

- I cannot remember the last time I played in the rain. I need to do that soon.

- I need to figure out what I want out of my life and stop trying to please those around me. I need to live for me and not for my family or friends or work or past loves. I try to hard to please everyone else and end up forgetting about myself.

- I am looking forward to a vacation. Not sure when, where or how I’ll be taking that vacation, but I can’t hardly wait for it.

- Sex and the City is coming to theaters on May 30! I have been gearing up by watching all the old season. Right now I’m in the middle of season 4 where Carrie gets back together with Adian only to break his heart all over again. Sometimes I hate, hate, hate Carrie and just want to smack her for being so self-centered. I love the show and really hope the movie does it justice.

- Gas prices are soaring and it’s killing me. The other day it cost me $50 to fill up my tank! $50 is a nice dinner out or a nice pair of sandals! $50 should not be what it costs to fill up my tank!

- I introduced my coworker to I Can Has Cheezburger; he has in turn introduced me to I Has a Hotdog. Hilarity ensues, and we never get any work done. Seriously, I need a boyfriend.

Punting Monday

Since I'm tired and have been punting all day at work, I decided to do the picture survey on Kiah's and Jamie's blog.

1) What is your relationship status?

2) Who is your celebrity crush?

3) Who is your favorite band?

4) What is your favorite movie?

5) What kind of pet do you have?

6) Where do you live?

7) What do you do at work?

8) What do you look like?

9) What do you drive?

10) What's your favorite tv show?

11) Describe yourself:

12) What's your name?

13) What's your favorite candy?

To My Dearest Friends

To My Dearest Friends by Patricia Volk is about two women whose only connection is the death of their dear friend Roberta. Nanny and Alice come together because Roberta has left them a letter. It seems to be a love letter written to Roberta, author unknown.

Nanny and Alice cannot agree on how to handle the letter. Nanny believes they should find Bobbie’s mysterious lover, while Alice believes they should destroy Roberta’s letter alone. Both are surprised that their friend had an affair.

During their entire friendship with Bobbie, neither Nanny nor Alice have ever met each other or interacted with each other. Roberta preferred to keep her friends separate one another and did not intermingle. As this passage indicates,

"Think we knew the same person, Alice?
No. We knew her differently. Each of us knew an entirely different person …
How well did we know her, Alice?
Alice considers before answering. “We knew what she wanted us to know. And I would not care to know more than that about
anybody. Would you?”

Roberta kept her secret and only until after her death did she decide to share it with her friends. And it wasn’t because she was ashamed of having an affair; she knew that with her death, her two closest friends would need each other for support. She knew they would need a new friendship to replace the one they just lost.

This book got me thinking about all my different group of friends I have and if I am always me when I am with my friends. I believe that for the most part what you see is what you get, but I do know I edit myself around different friends. For instance I may not talk about one topic with one friend, but will eagerly do so with another. Even with my BFE, there are certain subjects that would be better discussed with another friend because I know how she’d react. Does this make my friendships with individuals any less special? I don’t believe so.

I think we all edit ourselves in some shape or form. Everyone has a private life and chooses what information they share with others. Even with this here blog, I do write a lot about my personal life, but there is also a lot that I don’t put out there. There are certain joys and heartaches that are meant to be shared with others and there are private thoughts, fears and dreams that you want to hold close to your heart. And maybe when the timing is right you’re ready to share that moment with a dearest friend.

Heartsick

Heartsick by Chelsea Cain is a psychological thriller that was very well paced. I believe with any suspenseful novel it needs to move at a faster speed compared to other genres. The writer needs to be able to build tension throughout the story where you are compelled to continue reading page after page. Cain was able to capture my attention with her debut novel.

Two years ago, Detective Archie Sheridan is captured and tortured by Gretchen Lowell, a beautiful and psychotic serial killer. After ten days of torment, she releases him and is arrested. Sheridan is on medical leave until another serial killer strikes the Portland area, targeting teenaged girls.

Susan Ward is a journalist and has scored the story of a lifetime. She is allowed all access to Detective Sheridan as he tracks the After School Strangler. Through her interactions with Archie, Susan uncovers the gory details behind his imprisonment and his twisted relationship with Gretchen. They also come closer to nabbing a new killer, which may put Susan’s life in jeopardy.

I like the idea of a female serial killer. Gretchen Lowell reminded me of Hannibal Lector. Both are extremely intelligent, show no remorse, and are insanely evil. They are engaging and dynamic characters and represent the darkness of humanity. Heartsick reminded of Silence of the Lambs especially the relationship between Gretchen and Archie paralleled the relationship of Hannibal and Clarice. Except Gretchen and Archie’s bond took it one step further with him being held her prisoner. They have this bizarre intimacy and flirtation with one another. It was a different twist.

As I mentioned, this novel was well paced. Cain did a good job with timing and keeping the action moving in an appropriate tempo. I also liked how she jumped back to scenes from Archie’s imprisonment showing his mental breakdown and acquiesce to Gretchen. It helped set up scenes regarding the newest killer and Archie’s motivation to come back to work.

It’s funny, my friends always ask if I get scared reading stories like this, and my answer is always no. Although this story is a fiction, events like this can and have happened in real life, so it doesn’t scare me. I get more scared by stories that involve the supernatural because theoretically it’s not real and unknown, and that to me is much scarier.

It’s been awhile since I picked up a good thriller. I forgot how much I liked this genre. I will have to add more books like this to my list.