The Beginning is Always the End

Its been awhile since I posted on here. I haven't completely decided if I want to stop posting all together or keep this open so I can randomly post like I am doing now. Gosh, so much has happened in these last few months that I can't even possibly recap the good and the bad.

I did start dating someone, which is part of the reason why I was so absent. I didn't want to jinx the start of the relationship by writing about it and I was also having way too much fun to even sit down and write what I was going through.

The relationship ended as abruptly as it started. And here's what I wrote to myself right after it happened. I kept debating with myself if I wanted this out there in the public and I feel enough time has passed that I'm ok to share it. And maybe it will help me let go of this residual anger and sadness I still feel. Be forewarned, its long.


"The Beginning is Always the End"

I was so scared that this would happen and it did. Maybe if I weren’t so fearful, things would be different. I was always so afraid that he would come to me one day and say this is no longer working for him, that he no longer wanted to see me. I was so scared of losing him because that’s how much I liked him.

From the moment he first kissed me, something inside of me woke up. It felt like spring and I was thawing. The coldness from the winter was ebbing away, and for the first time in a long time I felt the innocence and hope of love blooming inside of me. It felt so strong and I was shocked that I was feeling it. This was only our second date and our first kiss and I was already sucked in.

And instead of pulling away, I gave in to the feeling. I embraced it. I can’t remember the last time I felt so high just from kissing someone. I knew I wanted to keep this one. I knew I didn’t want to let him go. So I held on tightly and continued to kiss him. And when he looked at me with those brown eyes, I was lost, but so was he. He would lean in and kiss me and tell me that my eyes were pulling him in and that he couldn’t stop kissing me, and I felt exactly the same way.

I tried to tread lightly with him and not move too fast. I told him that I needed time and I didn’t want to rush into things. He gave me that space that I needed while still making me feel beautiful and wanted. And once I thought he liked me and much as I liked him, I was ready to take it to the next step.

From there things seemed to progress naturally, but I still had that fear in the back of my head; haunting me, torturing me. I kept telling myself that I was being silly and had no reason to feel insecure. You could just look at him and tell how much he liked me. When we were together, I could see it and feel it, with every touch, kiss, glance, and smile. But that feeling was still there. Anytime he gave me an odd look, I worried that his next words would be, “I’m done. Goodbye.”

So I would pray that everything would be ok with us, and I would pray for him to be the one. At night, in the darkness, I would pray for us. I would pray for him and I. I would pray for myself to be stronger; to not let my insecurities about past relationships rule me. I would close my eyes and pray to any God out there that would listen.

A month or so into my relationship I was dealt a stunning roadblock. Lying in bed, in his arms, he tells me he doesn’t want anything serious and is just looking to have fun. Of course I was not happy with that statement, especially since I thought we were on the same page. I at times could sense his apprehension, but he had never pushed me away until then. I told him that I wouldn’t mind if things progressed further and that along as he wasn’t out dating other girls behind my back, I was fine.

I should’ve stopped seeing him then, but I was in too deep at that point. I figured it was still early in the relationship and too soon to decide if things should be serious. We were both enjoying ourselves, so let’s just take it one day at a time and see what happens. I knew I was going on vacation at the end of October and that would be the true test for me. If he didn’t miss me than clearly we shouldn’t be together, but if he did miss me all would be well in the world.

So I didn’t push him. I let us just be and didn’t demand extra from him for fear of pushing him away. I thought my tactic was working. I thought I could show him that he could be with me and still have fun and that being in a relationship wouldn’t change or ruin his lifestyle.

Slowly I started going out with him and his friends and each time he would tell me how much fun he was having and how glad he was that I was there. And his friends liked me and would tell him, “You better keep this one. Don’t lose her, she’s awesome.” I thought those were all good signs. I thought, slowly but surely we are making progress. Our time spent together became more intimate and I really felt like we were getting to know each other and become more comfortable with one another. My fear slowly began to fade. I no longer questioned any odd look he gave me, and when he was tired and grumpy that’s exactly how I took it.

The night before I left for San Diego, he tried to push me away. He told me that he’s been in four serious relationships and that he cheated on three of them. I told him, “Please don’t cheat on me. That’s the one thing I ask of you. I’d rather have you end things with me before you cheat on me.” He told me the other night when he went out, some girl tried to kiss him, but he didn’t let her. In the back of my head I kept thinking, “God, don’t tell me I picked another one.”

Things were weird between us when I left, and I was worried. But he made up for it in the middle of the week by calling me and when we spoke things were fine. The conversation flowed and we both missed each other. That Friday night I called him and he told me that he wished I was there with him and that he’d been showing his friends my picture and they all said to keep me. He said his sisters wanted to meet me and I felt aglow with his words.

When I came back, things were great. I finally felt like we were moving forward and that it would just happen naturally. I guess I was wrong. Two weeks after being back he repeats that he doesn’t want something serious and still wants be single. All because I just want to spend time with him and he makes me feel guilty for asking.

I ask him if he’s no longer having fun, and he says that yes he still is. I ask if he wants to date other people or is just waiting for something better to come along and he replies back with no. He tells me that he likes his single lifestyle and wants to be able to do whatever he wants whenever he wants without having to worry about anyone else. I remind him that I don’t ask to spend every day with him and that I don’t believe that’s healthy and that I like the fact that we give each other space and freedom. I just hate that I feel like I’m asking the world of him when I want to see him. I tell him that I just want to be with him.

He says he doesn’t want to hurt me and that he’s not ready to give more. He says he doesn’t know what he wants and that it’s up to me to decide what I want. I tell him I will think about it. I tell him that a part of me doesn’t want to stop seeing him and the other part thinks its better if we end it now while we can. He tells me to take my time to think about it and I tell him I will.

When I think I’m ok with the way things are, I try and tell him that and he responds that he was going to suggest we take a break. And right there my heart sinks inside of me, and I’m trying desperately to not cry on the phone. He says he’s surprised by my change of attitude and asks if I no longer want a relationship and if I’ll be happy. I respond with I said I would think things over and I have, “I still would like things to progress, but I also like spending time with you and you make me happy. I’m willing to let things be and see what happens.” He counters I still think you want more from me and I reply, “I just want to be with you.”

He then tries to bring the conversation to a casual level and I tell him that I can’t do this; I can’t act like things are normal between us and ok, and he responds, “I was afraid of that.” He says he needs to think things over and I just know that I lost him. And everything hurts so much and I can’t believe its over. I knew there were warning signs, besides the fact that he told me he doesn’t want to be serious, and I choose to ignore them.

I thought whatever I felt for him would be strong enough. I really thought we were moving forward. It seemed like it was heading that way. His words and actions made me think so. Everyone keeps telling me that its not me, its him, he’s the one that is being selfish and its not anything I did, but I can’t help feeling that I wasn’t good enough. That if he really likes me as much as it seems he does, than why is he ending it?

I was really beginning to fall in love with him. I think I already was in love. When we were together, it felt so amazing, such a great high. He was everything I wanted him to be when we were together. He was attentive, adoring, loving, he made me feel so special and beautiful. It was when we were apart that I was worried, when I would question. I just didn’t want this glorious feeling to end. And now I fear its over. I don’t see how it can not be.

I don’t think he’s going to change his mind and I don’t think there is anything I can do to change his mind. I know I deserve better/more and that I shouldn’t settle. But I thought he was my better and that I wasn’t settling. I thought he wanted me as much as I wanted him.

Clock Strikes Midnight

“For the first time, in a long time, I admit it; I want to be in a relationship. It’s taken me awhile to come to this realization. I’m usually the first girl to praise the values of singledom and that you do not need a man to make you happy. And I’m still a firm believer that the only person that can make you happy is you.

Now that I’ve hit some personal accomplishments such as buying my first home and climbing the corporate ladder at work, I want to have someone special to share these joys with. My relationship clock is ticking and I feel the passing of every second.

When I come home, I notice how very quiet and empty my place feels.”

This was originally what I was writing about my single life and how I want a relationship and then I had a semi-date on Wed and I’m rethinking everything. Ok, maybe not everything. Regarding my semi-date on Wednesday, while it was a fun evening, the timing is off. If perhaps this was three years earlier or maybe three years into the future, things would be different. Now I’m getting sidetracked.

Let me backtrack here. An old friend/co-worker was in town this past week. When we worked together we had a steady flirtation and even after I left the company and he moved, we still kept in touch. So naturally when he was in town, we met up for dinner.

We flirted throughout dinner and by the end of the night ended up making out in the car like teenagers. He was kissing me with so much passion and need and I completely freaked out. It was too much for me. I felt suffocated and trapped. I couldn’t handle the emotions behind the kiss. And there was a lot. I mean, we have been building this flirtation up for years and I was surprised by how much he wanted me. I probably shouldn’t have been.

Of course the minute he becomes available, I want to run screaming in the other direction. It’s so typical of me. But to be fair, logistically it can’t work right now. We don’t live in the same state, and at least for me the timing isn’t right. The crush I had on him before isn’t there for me now. I still admire and respect him and think he’s a great catch, and maybe further down the road I will feel differently. But right now, it doesn’t feel right.

And now I’m torn because I play the game so well and know exactly what to say to keep a guy interested, but the minute I feel him getting to close, I balk and panic. I know its because I’m scared of getting hurt and I need to be open to that possibility. I’ve just been burnt badly the few times I’ve done it, and it makes me more frightened for the next time.

But I meant it about what I wrote earlier before my date. I have been lonely for a while and I do want to share my life with someone. I see my friends that are married and how much love and trust that they have for one another and I know that I want that. I want to come home and share how my day has been with him. I want to hear about his day. I want us to make dinner together and then sit back on the couch and relax together. And then I want to walk up the stairs and fall asleep together.

And I know that before I can do any of this, I need to stop playing the games. I need to stop the flirting and stringing along and open myself up to whatever may come. No more pushing guys away the minute they start to really get to know me. Because I’ll never get what I want if I keep doing this.

Tick Tock Tick Tock

My close friend gave birth earlier this month to a beautiful baby girl. Both Mother and Daughter are doing great! I’m so happy for her. I know that she will make a great Mom and her husband will make a great Dad.

Her baby is so precious, but seeing how tired she looks, I just know that I’m not there yet. I’m way too selfish and can barely take care of myself; I cannot imagine being responsible for another life. I know that emotionally I’m not ready to be a mother either. I need to fix some of my personal issues first before I take on the task of rearing children.

I know I’ve said it before that I just don’t like kids and mainly its because I don’t know how to relate to them. Even when I was younger and used to baby-sit (I was actually probably only 5-8 yrs older than my charges), I had a hard time interacting with them. I don’t know how to kid it down and bring it on their level.

Kids make me nervous because I feel like they can see right through me and know that I’m a complete fake. There are no fooling children, they observe so much and can be brutally honest. They also look like the suck the life out of you, are needy and dependent.

But I do want one. I want to experience what its like to be a mother and to love another being more than life itself. I want to experience the joys and triumphs of parenthood along with the trials and tribulations that come with it. My biological clock has not started ticking yet, but I do feel it winding up. It’s slowly preparing itself.

Seeing my friend and her new family, I was envious. Not because I want a baby right not, but I want that special bond that her and her husband share. The way they look at each other, the intimate smiles they give, the sweet way he takes care of her because she’s so tuckered out from being with the baby all day. I want that. I want to find someone I love so much that I want to make a baby with him.

My biological clock isn’t ticking for a baby, but it is ticking for a relationship …

To be Continued ...

Single and Curious

Bernie over at F-f-fifty Something posed a question regarding dating and how dating has evolved over the years. I’m about to enter my late 20’s (dagger, that sounds hurting (I’ve really got to stop using The Junkies lingo that no one else understands besides Jones)), and I absolutely hate dating. And I’ve only truly started dating within the last few years.

Dating to me seems like such a chore. Some of my friends love dating and believe its so much fun. They love going on first dates and getting to know someone and finding out if your compatible or not. I think it’s just awkward and feel like I have to be on point and put on a good show.

I’d much rather already be in a relationship without having to date someone. It’s the lazy in me. I don’t want to work for it, which probably doesn’t bode well for my relationship, although in my last one it was I working to save it, but that’s another story. I enjoy being in a stable, committed relationship, I just think its really hard for me to get there.

My married friends say I should try on-line dating, that’s how one couple met, but I’m not comfortable with the idea. I hear its really easy and that you can pick and choose who you’d like to meet, and I can say no to the men I’m not interested in, and at the very least get a free dinner out of it, which should appeal to the dinner whore in me. I believe on-line dating is a great concept and has worked for many people, my friend included, but I don’t see myself heading toward that route just yet.

I prefer the old, “I have a friend of a friend” method to dating. A lot of my past relationships came about by meeting a guy through a friend. It’s fairly simply and am also privy to background information regarding the man. If he’s a bad egg, my friend will warn me, and if I still decide to go after him, well that’s my own damn fault (see about a boy).

I’ve reached a point in my life where I am tired of the bullshit games that men and women play with each other, but at the same time I feel like you can’t escape it when you’re first dating someone. I try as best as possible to be direct and honest with a guy, but I feel like that’s intimidating to him, so I try and tone it down a bit, which is then confusing. My co-worker says I’m difficult, but I like Kiah’s term that I’m an “alpha female.” I know what I want and am not afraid to say it.

I have been there and done the friends with benefits (FWB) and while sometimes I think it’s just easier to continue it, I want to be back in a relationship. I see the handful of my married friends, and I wonder what its all about and if its for me. I want to meet someone with whom I may have a future. I don’t want nor need to be married right now; I just need to know that it’s a possibility.