See Ya Soon Mr. Nice Guy

This weekend was a bittersweet weekend for me. I said farewell to someone who has become a dear sweet friend to me. You first met him as Mr. Nice Guy. After a few dates, we both realized that there was nothing really there and promised to remain friends, which we actually did.

We didn’t hang out every weekend, but we did make an effort to hang out at least once a month. He was one of my favorite people to go to sporting events with although we never did catch a Skins or Wizard’s game. We always had great conversations and I always felt very relaxed around him and I knew I could always be myself around him with no judgment.

And when he hit a rough patch with his father passing away unexpectedly, I did my best to be there for him. I knew how hard and upset he was over his father, especially because he was so close to his family and being the eldest son always took care of his family. I gently reminded him that he needed to take care of himself and allow himself to mourn. I wanted to badly to erase the pain that he was going through.

Mr. Nice Guy is moving down South. He’s an Army Doc and got his new orders. He left this morning. We had our goodbye brunch yesterday, talking about our goals for the future and me promising to come down and visit him.

At one point in the conversation he looked at me and said, “I wish things had turned out differently for us.” It caught me off guard, but I replied back, “I know exactly what you mean. I wish the same.” And I can honestly say I meant it. As we hugged each other goodbye, I held on tightly to him, not wanting to let him go. I knew I would miss our friendship dearly and also our lost opportunity.

Mr. Nice Guy is such an amazing person. I wish I had given him more of a chance when we first went out on those couple of dates. I wish I wasn’t scared of the possibility of being with a nice guy and really allowed myself to see what could happen. I don’t think I gave him a fair chance and cut it off before it even started. But I also know that he deserves someone who will appreciate him for his kindness, loyalty, honesty, friendship and love and I know inherently that I would take him and all of his great qualities for granted. And he deserves so much more than that. I firmly believe that timing is everything and I wasn’t ready for what he had to offer me.

I really hope he enjoys himself in this next stage of his life. I hope he meets a nice Southern Belle that will adore him completely. I hope he figures out what he wants to conquer next after his stint in the Army is up. I hope nothing but the best for him.

As we pulled away from our embrace he said, “I’m not even going to tell you to come down because you always have an open invitation to come visit me.” And I responded, “I promise.”

Single and Curious

Bernie over at F-f-fifty Something posed a question regarding dating and how dating has evolved over the years. I’m about to enter my late 20’s (dagger, that sounds hurting (I’ve really got to stop using The Junkies lingo that no one else understands besides Jones)), and I absolutely hate dating. And I’ve only truly started dating within the last few years.

Dating to me seems like such a chore. Some of my friends love dating and believe its so much fun. They love going on first dates and getting to know someone and finding out if your compatible or not. I think it’s just awkward and feel like I have to be on point and put on a good show.

I’d much rather already be in a relationship without having to date someone. It’s the lazy in me. I don’t want to work for it, which probably doesn’t bode well for my relationship, although in my last one it was I working to save it, but that’s another story. I enjoy being in a stable, committed relationship, I just think its really hard for me to get there.

My married friends say I should try on-line dating, that’s how one couple met, but I’m not comfortable with the idea. I hear its really easy and that you can pick and choose who you’d like to meet, and I can say no to the men I’m not interested in, and at the very least get a free dinner out of it, which should appeal to the dinner whore in me. I believe on-line dating is a great concept and has worked for many people, my friend included, but I don’t see myself heading toward that route just yet.

I prefer the old, “I have a friend of a friend” method to dating. A lot of my past relationships came about by meeting a guy through a friend. It’s fairly simply and am also privy to background information regarding the man. If he’s a bad egg, my friend will warn me, and if I still decide to go after him, well that’s my own damn fault (see about a boy).

I’ve reached a point in my life where I am tired of the bullshit games that men and women play with each other, but at the same time I feel like you can’t escape it when you’re first dating someone. I try as best as possible to be direct and honest with a guy, but I feel like that’s intimidating to him, so I try and tone it down a bit, which is then confusing. My co-worker says I’m difficult, but I like Kiah’s term that I’m an “alpha female.” I know what I want and am not afraid to say it.

I have been there and done the friends with benefits (FWB) and while sometimes I think it’s just easier to continue it, I want to be back in a relationship. I see the handful of my married friends, and I wonder what its all about and if its for me. I want to meet someone with whom I may have a future. I don’t want nor need to be married right now; I just need to know that it’s a possibility.

The Beginning of a New End

It was a conversation I was expecting to have. It was a conversation I needed to have. It was a conversation that came way too soon. A part of me is resentful for predicting the outcome. The other half is just relieved to have it finally be over. It has to be over. I don’t want to keep regressing; its time to evolve.

The boy and I ended it -- again. But this time there was this feeling of finality, at least on my end. This time, I’m ready to let it go, for good. After three years of riding roller coasters with him, I think I’m finally ready to get off the ride. I don’t enjoy it as much as I used to, and I’m burnt out. I don’t have the energy to keep it up. I’m tired of pushing and working for something that may not be truly there.

We had agreed to take things slow and just let it happen naturally, but I still needed reassurances from him that this wasn’t all just fun and games. I needed to know that he was invested in this. He said he was, but this time I wasn’t.

I was too scared to trust him, so I continued to go out on dates. Except I didn’t really consider them dates, but outings with male friends, which I knew he would consider inappropriate (even if nothing happened). I wasn’t willing to give up that safety net, and I never told him about my “dates.”

Things seemed to be going great with us. I swallowed my instinct to pressure and prod and he was attempting to make more of an effort. I focused on today and stopped thinking too far out in the future. We were floating in a delicate bubble, caught in the currents of the wind and the softest gust could blow it all apart.

The bubble burst last week. A simple sleepover gone badly, with him telling me that’s he’s withdrawing and pushing me away, and perhaps I shouldn’t put up with it. After so many times of us taking one baby step forward and then two gigantic leaps back, I couldn’t go through it again. After leaving his place the next day angry and hurt by his actions, I already knew that we would have a talk and it would be over.

We both agreed that it shouldn’t be this hard to make it work. And I told him that I didn’t want to be with someone who didn’t really want to be with me. He asked if this is what I really wanted, and I said, no its not, but I’m tired of fighting for something that’s not there. He said that he cares for me deeply and that there is something there, but the timing isn’t right. I asked him not to call me for six months to a year, and he said he couldn’t promise me that, but I was adamant. I told him I needed a clean break and calling me three months from now would do neither one of us any good.

And then we hung up, and I cried. I cried for losing him yet again. I cried for the missed opportunity of what might have been. I cried for sticking around for three years hoping that we would get our moment. I cried because I knew that this time, I didn’t really have my heart in it, and kept myself hidden and on guard every time I was with him. I cried because I was scared of him hurting me, so I never let him in. I cried because I couldn't be honest with him. And I cried because I knew I would miss him.

I do think we’re right though. It should be this hard, and we’re both not really ready for this. As much as I want to be ready, I’m not. I’m not ready to be with him, and maybe I never will be. Maybe our history and how we started will always cloud my judgment or maybe we can reach a point in our lives where we can just be.

Is it truly over? I don’t know. Right now it needs to be. I need him out of my life for a while so I can clear my head. I need to be free of him.

It's Always About a Boy

I am sitting here with a glass of red wine hoping to gain some insight about my current state of affairs. I’m hoping to find answers at the bottom of this glass. It may not be the best place to solve my problem, but it’s a start.

There is this boy whom I have known for three years or so. We have always been floating in and out of each other’s lives with nothing serious tying us together. In the beginning this arrangement suited us perfectly. When we were together we had a ton of fun and when I was apart from him, I still had fun. We have dated other people, I was in a serious relationship, and yet I always find myself running back into his arms.

He was the reason I put myself on lockdown and he is also the reason that I broke it. He gives me the highest highs but also the lowest lows. Just when I think I have finally walked away from him, he reappears and shatters whatever resistance I tried to build up against him. He is my Achilles heel, my biggest weakness, my drug I cannot get enough of. And when the high wears off and reality trickles back in, the withdrawal effects are painful and I have to wonder is it worth it.

We keep repeating this pattern and I’m trying desperately to change my behavior and not make the same mistakes. But he doesn’t make it easy for me. And I allow myself to get swept away and ignore the voice in my head that tells me to run and never look back. I know that something has to change. Either we progress and move forward or I stand firm in my decision to not let him back in. And if it becomes the latter than I cannot waver and must truly let him go. Because no one likes a broken record, and I hate being that girl.

On a Side Note Pt 8 ...

My good friend recently proposed to his girlfriend. The other day he sent an e-mail asking for my first, last name, address and name of date ASAP! My first thought was damn, when is the wedding. My second thought was damn, I don't have a date! I e-mailed him back asking when the wedding was and he replied May/June of 2008. I told him that if he was giving me a +1, than I'll be damned sure I find a date.

So now the pressure is on for me to find a date for this wedding. I know May/June of 2008 seems far enough away, but with my track record of dates, it could very well take me that long to find a suitable date. I can always rely on a back-up date, but I really would like to go to a wedding with someone with whom I'm actually dating! It doesn't seem that hard right? Don't answer.

Sometimes NiceGuys Don't Win or Lose

I just realized that I never gave an update on the Mr. NiceGuy situation. And for the record, the Va-Jay-Jay is not on lockdown because of him. It’s for another person entirely, and perhaps one day when I have the emotional time and energy, I will divulge the whole torrid affair.

After our fourth attempt at a date, I came to the conclusion that there isn’t any real chemistry between us and it’s not fair to continue going out with him and faking it. So I knew I had to tell him the truth, and get it over with, but I’m the biggest pussy there is and just avoided dealing with it.

I was hoping he would do the fade out. I love the fade out. I have employed the fade out twice, and both times success! The fade out is perfect for passive-aggressives like me. I’m sure I have been on the receiving end of a fade out, but I cannot recollect any examples to vent about. Either way, Mr. NiceGuy is too nice to do the fade out and deserves better than the fade out from me.

We played a nice little game of phone tag, but eventually we were finally able to track one another down and the conversation was so easy. I cannot believe I was so apprehensive about it.

After we did some idle chit-chat, I kinda blurted out, “Before we hang out again, there is something I wanted to say.”

He responds, “I have a feeling I know what you’re going to say, but please go ahead.”

So I tell him that while I enjoy spending time with him, I believe that we have no real chemistry and that’s its just not there.

(I notice when I’m nervous, I tend to talk really, really, really fast. For those of you who know me in real life, I’m already a fast-talker, so you can just imagine that I uttered this in one fastsentencethatwasajumbleofwords)

And to my surprise and delight, he was in complete agreeance with me! There were no hard feelings, and a huge relief swept over me. I felt so silly for thinking that he was pining over me (Vanity Smurf much?) and we ended the conversation on a bright note with promises to hang out again soon.

I actually called him last week to see how he’s been doing. We said that we would make plans soon and that he would call me. But that was over a week ago, and I haven’t heard back from him. Am I on the receiving end of a fade out? How perfect.

Introducing Mr. NiceGuy

I have such relationship/commitment issues. Those closest to me tell me that I have more guy-like tendencies than girl. I’m all for casual dating and not looking to get too serious with anyone. I enjoy alone time and hate when people make demands on my free time. It freaks me out when a guy starts to talk about future plans because I think he’s moving way too fast. And I seriously don’t know how to date nice guys. My appetite tends to run towards the dickheads.

I briefly mentioned in a previous post that there was this guy at my friend’s wedding who wanted to ask me out. He actually called me and we have gone out on four dates thus far. (From here on out, I’ll refer to him as Mr. NiceGuy.) There is nothing wrong with Mr. NiceGuy, except for the fact that he’s just too nice. What the hell is wrong with me?

So far he has done everything right by normal dating standards. It’s so refreshing – he actually calls when he says he’s going to! And that’s really sad that I think that is so refreshing. He has paid for all of our dinners (I do insist on paying, he won’t let me). After each date, he sets up the next date right then and there (which actually I don’t mind since I’ve been a social butterfly as of late, so it’s better to set up the next date right away or I’ll never fit him in my schedule). He has been a perfect gentleman and has made no sexual advances toward me.

We are able to have steady conversations that are interesting with no awkward pauses or silences where we grasp for subjects to talk about. He’s just really super-dooper nice, and I’m not attracted to him at all. There is no chemistry or sizzle. I’m not eagerly anticipating his phone calls and I don’t get excited for our dates. It really isn’t him, it’s all me.

I bet the minute he tells me that he thinks we would be better off as friends; I’ll get all crazy and be like, “What do you mean, you no longer like me? Why don’t you like me?” The second he starts to shit on me, I’ll be all over him. It’s a sad, sick cycle that I have. I love the chase; I’m addicted to the chase.

So far we have gone on four dates: three dinner dates and one movie date. Last night was our fourth date. During our conversation, I found myself purposely trying to ruin the date, or at least his image of me. The subject of children came up, and I mentioned how I hate kids, but still want my own, and refuse to be a stay-at-home Mom. He’s a freaking pediatrician and loves kids.

I also reveal how I had dinner last week with some girlfriends, three of whom are married, and how I realized I’m not at that point in my life where I want to be married. I told him the thought of getting married right now freaks me out. His response was that people just move at different paces and its ok.

I knew I was trying to scare him away. I could see him analyzing everything I said to him, trying to decide if he wanted to stick around or run in the opposite direction. I felt like such crap for doing it, but once I got started I couldn’t stop my thoughts from pouring out. Mr. NiceGuy took it all in stride, letting me ramble on and on completely understanding my thoughts and opinions.

And it really was a nice date. He dropped me off (he actually makes the effort to pick me up, unlike some other guys I know) and we said goodbye. We have yet to kiss, which I’m ok with, and he has yet to be inside my apartment, again I’m ok with that. I told him to have a fun vacation and to call me when he gets back. Dagger, I should’ve just said to have fun and left the calling back part up in the air. Cause I really have no interest in him romantically. I think we could be great friends.

Maybe I am reading way too much into this and perhaps he doesn’t like me at all and just enjoys eating out as much as I do.